Belated Birthday

 

Every year on my birthday and New Year’s Day I try to reflect on what happened in the past year. I try to see what I did, what I want to do, who I’ve become, and who I want to be. 

This year’s birthday post was hard. Excruciatingly and painfully hard.

I lost a friend and a mentor suddenly within two weeks of each other. Emotionally I was a wreck. So much happened that I didn’t know where to even begin. I couldn’t remember what exactly I did for my birthday last year. I knew that I hadn’t reached the goals I set for myself this year. I knew and didn’t know a whole lot about myself and that drove me mad.

I don’t like being out of control when it comes to my life. I like knowing what’s going to come ahead and I like being prepared for it. 

This is why my anxiety is such a big problem. 

Something small snowballs rapidly into something that's overwhelmingly large. It throws me off of my tracks and puts me on edge until I find a solution or it continues on for an unknown amount of time passes. 

What has me on edge lately? Well...it's a large combination of things. In fact it's so large I'm not going to get into all of it in this post. It's going to all be in an organized and honest post coming up later this week. 

(Which is the truth because I've already outlined it and written half of it.)

What I will say about it is that I am a work in progress just as everyone is around me. However, I am also no longer going to allow my emotions and feelings to be brushed aside for the sake of another's comfortability. If my emotional reaction or feelings towards an event upset you, that is no longer my problem. I do not have to explain over and over again how or why I feel that way. 

I feel incredibly blessed to be loved and surrounded by the people in my life. I know I am blessed by the amount of people who wished me well on my birthday. I know I am blessed by the amount of laughter, support, and love I get on days that are not on my birthday.

 will leave you for now with the following list. Now this numerical list is not in order of importance. Some of the items have details and the others are just straight to the point. This list is compiled of tips and things I've learned or come to realise in the past year. Some are things I've said in the past. But that is okay because good things are always worth repeating.

  1. Take care of yourself first and foremost. It's not about being selfish it's about existing. 
  2. Don't let mistakes ruin your life. Let them be mistakes you learn from.
  3. Dream on. Dream big. Keep dreaming because every accomplishment and success come from one.
  4. Stop running from reality. Face your life, grab it, and be a part of it. Fail in it and thrive in it.
  5. Remove the negativity from your life. No matter how much it hurts. No matter where it comes from. Remove it from your life. 
  6. Believe in yourself. Do something to remind yourself of your accomplishments if you ever forget that you're possible of extraordinary actions.
  7. Understand your emotions are valid. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel about something that happens to you. If you're angry, be angry. If you're relieved, breathe and rest easy. 
  8. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves the right to be loved. No matter how much I might disagree with people I believe that it is their right as a human being to have joy in their life. 
  9. Mourn when you need to. Celebrate when you deserve to. 
  10. Love the ones around you.
  11. Don't compare yourself to others. You live the life that is yours and no one else's. Don't compare your failure to another's success. 
  12. Let temporary remain temporary. Don't remain where you aren't meant to be just because you're comfortable. Don't remain in a place where you aren't happy because you're afraid of change. 

There you have it. That is all I have to say for now. Stay tuned for the next post! It shall be honest, vulnerable, and revealing. Grab some snacks because they're vital to any long trip. Buckle up. Let's ride.

This post is dedicated to Ezra Robertson and Margaret Kargbo.
I'll remember the laughter, the words, the jokes the music and the advice you gave me. 

A Letter to My Mama(s)

To my Mom, Mama, Aunt, Mimi, Nana, Grandma, Godmothers, and Aunties,

I love you.

I just wanted to get that out there first and foremost. Because it’s not just something that needs to be said it’s the truth.

Y’all have raised me and prepared a way for me without me even realizing it sometimes. You’ve given me countless amounts of memories and lessons.

Books. Barbeques. Camping out. Car rides. Naps. Scoldings. Homework help. Couches to sleep on. Socks. Shirts. Pants. Purses. Books again. Popsicles. Bandaids. Music. Coaching on the court and field.

Hugs. Kisses. Tissues. Shoulders. Smiles.

Trusting me with your children to cuddle and watch over. Or your children that have blessed with friendships to the point that they've become siblings.

Everything.

I have a memory of all of you doing something to show your love.

I’ve got friends that are now mothers. I’ve watched each of you become amazing mothers and quite frankly I’m in awe of how you continue to grow and share even more of yourself to the tiny little nuggets you’re raising. I’m damn proud of who each and every single one of you have become.

They say it takes a village. Well you are my village. The home I go to that doesn’t have four walls. It has laughter, love and drive. Drive that makes me want to do better and be better.

Isn’t that what motherhood is all about? Loving and inspiring a little person until they’re a grown person that can love and inspire others?

Because that’s what my life has been.

Love and inspiration from mothers, mamas, nanas, aunts, godmothers, and more.

So I love you and I can’t wait to continue to reach the heights that you’ve made me want to reach. Which should be interesting because with the love and drive you’ve given me the sky isn’t the limit. There is no limit.

So here’s to you.

The moms, mothers, mamas, nanas, mimis, grandmas, godmothers, and aunties that have raised me.

I love you more than you can imagine and I hope that I make you proud with what you've taught me thus far.

I'll always love my mama. She's my favorite girl.

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